It feels like Gavin, more than ever, has a brain full of noise. He is trying to get past it all.
There are moments he will look through videos on my phone during our many weekend car rides or even a short ride to his therapy clinic. He has managed to find every video from the past where he made any kind of different sound or unique utterance.
There’s a video of him getting a haircut when we lived in Oregon. He made a sound like “ah oh!” He watches it over and over and repeats that exact part of the video.
In another video of him and his big brother playing once in a cardboard box, and Gavin said “yeah yeah!” That video is one he has watched and repeated for years. It was the first video where I noticed he was trying to locate these specific sounds or babbles he made in the past.
There are at least 10. more videos I could describe that he has narrowed down through the long camera roll.
He studies these videos.
I wish I knew what was going on through his head. Is he surprised he made these different sounds? Does he want figure out how to make them again?
He spends so much time making sounds from inside, while battling the sounds in his head, and the sounds from his memory.
For years and years he makes so many sounds, almost constantly.
Even when he isn’t at home, I sometimes think I hear his noises. They live within me. It’s so hard and so exhausting to have them there. I am honestly just so tired but I try not to show it.
I try to remember: I can’t imagine what it is like to be him – living with them for so very long.